He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
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I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
What my back needs
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.