Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
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Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
how to exercise your calf muscles
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!