Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
How to woo a woman
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Important reminders
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed