They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
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It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.