What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
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men what’s stopping you from looking like this
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground