*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
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Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
that lip filler tho
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men