Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
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Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.