I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
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Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!