Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
You deplete me
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Spider-cat: No One Home
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.