No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
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My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
PARKOUR
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.