[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
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I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
me logging onto twitter
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Just a phase…
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*