I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
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*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Hard not to take this personally
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair