If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
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I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry