what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
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What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes