prepare for carbonated trouble
You Might Also Like
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Going to church you guys need anything
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.