You Might Also Like
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I love the honesty
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.