men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
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I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”