Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
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Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]