I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
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I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
courtroom exchange of the day
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*