Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
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“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Somebody call the cops.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.