Yup.
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*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
In Canada they just call them geese
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway