When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
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Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Nothing to do, you say?
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.