Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
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Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.