My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
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Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I can’t deal with men any longer
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.