When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
You Might Also Like
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
how to have fun when you’re poor
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”