We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
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Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Just parrot things
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.