Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
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1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.