I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
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Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Finally
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat