EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
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you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Why is everyone getting married at me
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light