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me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
WTF
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.