*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
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No point crayon over spilled milk.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I can’t wait!
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Spa day..😅
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)