My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
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19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Still a very good boi….
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.