You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
You Might Also Like
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn