Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
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Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Planet of the Apps.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
United Steaks of America
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.