Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
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Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Something Saturday.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
synchronized noseblowing
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.