Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
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The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
The symmetry is uncanny.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.