you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
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hmmm
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
😆this is so true
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend