SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
You Might Also Like
do u think theres a butter planet?
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
inventing words: clothing
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Birds & Planes.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.