Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
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mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME