I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.