When you’re Kinky but poor
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Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
he’s doing your taxes
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.