My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
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Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.