Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
You Might Also Like
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good