*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
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Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
12. I think about this all the damn time
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know