yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
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Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.