You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
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whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
The three genders.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.