The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
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We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”