It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
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-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
uncle dave has been through hell
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Sheep
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I love the honesty