Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
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March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”