Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
You Might Also Like
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
never ask a starfish for directions
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*